Fleeting Portents

Yesterday was superb. Met with L and J, all dressed up and ready!

Our objective: To celebrate our long-awaited freedom. (from oppression? You could call it that. Hehe.)

We had a grand ball at the water spa, relaxing and easing our nerves. On the walls posted is the list of health benefits. Dwelling on the last line in the list, we happily affirm ourselves that we were “relieved of physical and emotional distress”.

We dipped in the boiling pools of mint, jasmine, and lavender. Eyes closed. Souls healed.

No more of the matters of deceit, contempt. Goodbye to hearing preaches about being fair in life when what we witnessed were cheats; to puzzling oxymoron of serving one who doesn’t tolerate lies but does not appreciate honesty either; to one who deems herself “fairest (in all sense of the world) of them all” and is supposedly a role-model of professionalism.

May God forgive us.

We sing in our mind, “Karma”, and “Better Days”.

Sigh.. Toasts to her, and to Him! Life’s been fruitful!

In a hundred twists and turns you find yourself overturned.

Suddenly you see watermelons turn yellow instead of the familiar crimson red most used to be.

Suddenly a new light had tainted professions, particularly teachers, eventually losing their essence, and worse, themselves- if left not contended with- in the process.

Suddenly personal and petty matters are part of the discussion instead of the usual lesson- planning, and implementing.

Suddenly family values are being misconstrued and entwined into professionalism, so that a new person entering the work jungle gets confused and confounded.

And often get torn eventually.

As what I could closely relate myself with. Almost.

While things continue to flow into the river of change, there still are things that stay behind the dam- blended continuously by time with new residues.

For instance, youth is still equated to being immature, not credible… (and what would be the appropriate preffix to attach to it to mean the opposite of credible; in- , I hope. It would be incredible, wouldn’t it? Exactly. INcredible youth).

As one says, if you can’t do anything, leave.

Precisely what I did.

And for the right reasons.

Primarily it was to turn my world right side up again.

Yup. Choose your battles. This time, I opt to not choose this.

Why is it that some people are never happy without something to complain about?

            I sit here- at quarter past eight in the morning of rainy Tuesday- silent, anxious. I wonder if getting in trouble for telling the truth is better than walking blindly- and in bliss- in ignorance. Wish the rains could wash away my anxiety.

            Yes, I’m torn. More than ever. I would have stabbed myself sooner for being this idealistic. I am, as Ji Li Jiang perfectly pictured, like an animal trapped, scared, and sure that the hunter will come soon.

            It was Friday evening when I wrote the comments asked of me as part of bureaucracy (such a weighty word that actually is political in itself- all for the services of the one, top person). So I reflected, wrote, and sealed it with my signature (more like signed a death paper).

            As my mentor said, “Choose your battle”. How I wish the raindrops are hard, pounding determination instead; my courage still wavers. She is a fraction of the world’s cheats, yet the effect tears me. For what I believe, and for the principles I hold, I will try all I can to walk away, with knowing eyes that could look straight at hers, and with conviction and faith in front.

            But for now, I will let the pain consume me, for as long as I can endure these frustrations. I will choose my battle as she is not worth it.

            And tonight, I shall sleep in peace. Tomorrow when I wake up, I hope I will not have to strip off cobwebs of apprehensions…